Self-compassion: A foundation for healing
Self-compassion has increasingly gained attention in the last few years. And when it comes to changing your relationship with substances, the value and practices of self-compassion can’t be understated. The reality is you can’t shame yourself to change yourself. You may be able to force yourself into temporary shifts in behaviors through self-criticism, but lasting change requires an entirely different foundation. Transformation happens when you can meet yourself with genuine compassion.
Researcher Dr. Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as involving three core elements: self-kindness, recognition of common humanity, and mindful awareness. These tools can drastically shift how you approach changing your relationship with substances.
Why self-compassion is crucial for self-care
If you’re looking to change your relationship with substances, self-compassion isn’t just sufficient; it’s necessary. The stigma and shame associated with substance use can impact your perception of the struggles you’re experiencing. Through this lens, you may judge yourself, rather than viewing your struggles as a human experience. In my work, I often encounter people who are resistant to self-compassion because they fear it doesn’t align with accountability.
Self-kindness and mindful awareness don’t mean you’re avoiding accountability or making excuses. What those practices are doing is creating internal safety that lasting change requires. Whether you’re striving to abstain entirely, or change how you relate to substances, shaming yourself to take action isn’t the answer. Research has demonstrated that self-criticism signals our stress response system, flooding us with stress hormones that actually impair our decision-making. Self-compassion builds the foundation for emotional regulation and resilience that sustainable change needs.
What if it were your child?
Imagine this: your child comes to you and admits they’ve been struggling with reading. They tell you it’s hard to focus with so many distractions around, and then, their voice trembling say, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I still can’t sit down and read. From now on, I’m forcing myself to read two chapters every day and if I can’t do that, it just proves I’m not smart.” The issue here isn’t the goal itself, but the harsh criticism behind it.
If you heard your child talk that way, you probably wouldn’t agree with their approach. You’d likely comfort and remind them that learning takes time, that they’re capable, and that being kind to themselves will help more than shame ever could. The same goes for you and the changes you’re working toward. The compassion you’d naturally offer a loved one is the same compassion you deserve to offer yourself.
Psychological safety and resiliency
Approaching ourselves with compassion instead of judgment creates the safety needed to be honest about our struggles. If every challenge we go through is met with harsh self-criticism, we learn to hide, minimize, or deny our challenges. We embody and act from shame. Self-compassion allows a welcoming space for an honest reflection, which helps us see challenges as opportunities to learn. Taking this perspective builds resilience and makes it easier to continue moving forward after difficult moments instead of spiraling into self-blame.
At a deeper level, self-compassion can help heal the wounds that often fuel substance use. Feelings of unworthiness, shame, or brokenness are embedded within self-criticism, and are the very things that perpetuate the substance using cycle. Learning to treat yourself with care and unconditional acceptance, can ease the pain that substances once numbed.
Reducing shame and increasing compassion
Shame and guilt are perhaps the most challenging obstacles in changing our relationship with substances. While guilt says “I did something bad,” shame says “I am bad.” This distinction matters enormously, and being able to identify these states can help clear the pathway to compassion. Here are some ways to be more in tune with how to reduce our self-criticism:
- Recognize the inner-critics voice: The first step in reducing self-criticism is learning to recognize when it appears. Notice the voice that says things like, “I’m such a failure” or “I’m broken,”. Naming it helps create distance and reminds you that these thoughts are only part of your experience, not the whole truth of who you are.
- Reframe failure as learning: If you notice yourself slipping back into old habits, try to see it as an opportunity to learn about what still needs care or understanding. Ask yourself what emotions were present, what triggered the craving, and what support might help you next time. With curiosity, you can turn setbacks into insights.
- Separate behavior from identity: The words you use can shape how you see yourself. You are not defined by your substance use. Instead of labelling yourself through the challenges, try reframing it. Shifting from “I’m working on my relationship with alcohol” instead of “I’m a bad person,” is more compassionate and empowering.
- Celebrate small moments of awareness: Perhaps, every time you pause before reacting, choose honesty, or speak kindly to yourself, you create awareness. Compassion doesn’t grow through perfection, but in noticing progress.
- Seek connection within a community: We thrive in connection, not from being isolated. Surrounding yourself with others who see you as you truly are helps with self-perception. Support groups, therapy, and caring relationships often make self-compassion easier.
- Connect with your values: Your values remind you of who you are and want to become. Take time to reflect on what matters most and remember that these values still live within you, even if substance use had temporarily pulled you away from them.
Compassion as a daily practice
Changing your relationship with substances through self-compassion is the foundation for lasting transformation. While self-criticism might bring temporary feelings of control, it often fails to sustain meaningful change.
On the other hand, self-compassion builds the safety, honesty, and resilience needed to grow. Try speaking to yourself with the same gentleness, curiosity and care as you would to a child you love because that’s where real healing begins. Safety, connection, kindness, and understanding create the conditions to navigate the vulnerable work of change.
Through daily practice, compassion becomes a muscle you can depend on in moments of struggle. And remember, you don’t have to do this alone. Compassion thrives in the community. By giving and receiving support from others who share your values and goals, you strengthen both your healing and your sense of belonging.
ALAViDA Substance Use, a product of LifeSpeak Inc., is here to help you change your relationship with substances. The TRAiL is full of helpful tips ready for you to explore. Wherever you are on your journey, we offer a range of support options to help you make meaningful, positive changes. Access this link to explore further.
About the Author:
Brianne is a Certified Canadian Addiction Counsellor, a Registered Professional Counsellor – Candidate, and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. She is a registered member of the Canadian Addiction Counsellor Certification Federation and the Canadian Professional Counselling Association. For over a decade, she has been committed to training and supporting individuals and families within the private and public sector. Brianne brings a unique, holistic approach to understanding and treating substance use behaviors.